Heroine Hearts: Darkness Made These Heroine Hearts Page 23

  But here I stand – finally obedient Eighteen.

  I watch as Javier comes to take center stage and I keep my eyes on him. He holds true to his word, never once looking at me or getting caught looking at me. Instead, he stands a few feet before Joaquín and offers his undivided attention to our boss.

  Everything changed when the clock struck midnight. While the men may continue to drink, the girls seeking rest, Javier and I found ourselves drawn to one another. It was almost as if in wickedness we dwelled, in silence we blossomed.

  We meet in the midnight hours when the house is calmest, and we indulge in what we both feel. For now, that’s reveling in one another’s existence. It’s also in this time we set ground rules. We don’t act like anything but foot soldier and girl in the day-light. Javier refused to give up his protectiveness, but he promised to show it for all the girls, to eliminate any form of suspicion.

  However, I know what is about to happen is going to change everything – once again.

  “Nice of you to finally make it,” Joaquín comments dryly. “Not slacking are we?”

  “No, sir, just merely sleeping off a headache,” Javier lets him know. “What is it you needed?”

  “Well,” Joaquín says, declaring the start of his speech. “I’ve put a lot of thought into what we spoke about the other day... and it’s definitely something I’m interested in pursuing. But...” he pauses, his hand held up with one finger up. “On one condition.”

  “What’s that?” Javier asks, not even showing an ounce of nervous energy. He even cocks his head, offering Joaquín the grounds to dare speak.

  I stand with bated breath, part of the crowd, watching on. While Javier stands stoic before Joaquín, I can feel the sweat beginning to build on my palms, the beads starting to form on my forehead.

  “You want to hand choose a girl for yourself,” Joaquín starts, causing everyone to gasp. “You have to do me one good job.”

  “What’s that?” Javier asks again. His voice is even, telling me he’s ready for whatever Joaquín – the king of the El Salvador – wants to throw at him. “I’m ready for whatever.”

  “You find me stronger, more resilient men and a girl for every man here, and you get a girl of your choice,” Joaquín enlightens us, shock befalls us all. “I want an army and I believe you know a man of great integrity and strength when you see one.” He laughs, placing a hand on Javier’s shoulder. “I think we should allow you a teaser...” Joaquín comments, giving a sly grin as he speaks. “You and any man you want to take with you on this little extradition will have one night with the one girl they want most.”

  “Now?” Javier asks, a dubious note takes over inflecting in his tone. “Before I’ve even proven myself...”

  “As you told me, Santos, you’ve proven yourself to me before.” He turns Javier to face everyone, including me, a hand poised on his shoulder. “I think you should take a good look.” I see the smile that Joaquín gives Javier and it causes me to become curious. There’s something I’ve missed here clearly. “Who would you choose?”

  As if to make a statement, Santiago comes to stand beside me, an arm snaking around my shoulder. I close my eyes and bite my lip before shrugging him off me. Opening my eyes again, I look up at my biggest enemy and scowl.

  The way he smiles tells me he doesn’t care for my wellbeing, just me being his possession.

  “You can have any girl,” Joaquín breaks the moment, offering any girl to him who stands around this room.

  I take in a deep breath and brace myself. If anyone is to blame for this, Santiago instigated it by touching it, but the thought of another girl getting Javier causes such a jealous rage to ignite I can’t calm it.

  “I owe him a debt,” I say, standing up, even approaching Javier and Joaquín. “He never got his true welcome from me... I denied him that.”

  There’s a palpable moment where Javier just stares at me, his lips parted as he strives to make sense of what I’m really enlisting in, but now is the time. It’s time to show him just how much I trust him with every broken part of me.

  “I never got to stick true to my job, now is the time,” I continue bravely meeting Javier’s gaze before looking at Joaquín. “

  “I believe this was the girl you claimed as yours,” Joaquín says, throwing his arm around Javier’s and squeezes his shoulder in pride. “Seems you both have a certain fatal attraction.”

  “Seems like you’re in love,” Santiago sneers, curling his lip up. “It’d add up.”

  “I know better,” Javier comments, letting his musing be heard. “I don’t do love and certainly not with a girl here... I’m not into loving a whore.”

  “But you don’t mind fucking a puta and leaving her?” Diablo asks, laughing wryly.

  Javier smirks while I tell my heart to calm, to not show the pain I’m feeling at his words. I watch him grin and I see a spark of the other men in him and I start to worry instantly that I made the wrong decision stepping forward. What was I doing?

  “Isn’t that their purpose?” Javier asks, cocking a brow. “Plus, no one likes a girl who’s been used to be by their side.”

  “If that’s your opinion, why do you want Isla?” Santiago asks, sneering his words with venom.

  “Because I think she’d be the best bang,” Javier is quick to respond. “You’ve all had... I haven’t.” He shrugs unconcerned. “Plus, any girl who leads the rest has got to have something pretty fucking good to offer.”

  “All of these girls are fair game,” Santiago comments, gaining a strong support.

  “Men, calm it,” Joaquín says, stepping up as boss. “Javier, choose your men.”

  He looks around the room, gazing at all the men before he makes any decision.

  “Hector, Diablo,” Javier states, issuing a grin at Santiago as he growls from behind me. “I’ll take three men of your choosing, Joaquín. Men you want to prove themselves to you. I’ve got two men who I want by my side... give me three more.”

  I don’t know quite what tactical game Javier is playing, but he exudes nothing but confidence while he does it. I struggle to understand anything, right now, but I know there’ll be a reason to it.

  “Okay, you can take José, Alejandro and Miguel with you. They’re the best for this... I’m sure they’ll enjoy the rewards.”

  “That’s it sorted then,” Javier finalizes, rubbing his hands together in glee.

  “You can take your girl while the others choose theirs.” Joaquín’s order is clear, but as he looks at me, I sense an ebb of sadness that shouldn’t really be there. “She spoke for you... are you okay with that?”

  “Of course, he is!” Santiago exclaims. “If you ask me... he just wants some good pussy. He’s missing out on what all of us ain’t. Now he’s got a chance to feel Isla like we all did, but he’ll regret getting her. We all grew bored of her after a while. Javier, you won’t be any different.”

  “Then it’ll be something we can drink over,” Javier merely comments before turning to me. “Shall we?”

  Hesitantly, I nod and I see this makes his expression fall for a darker one.

  “Meet at sunset, the new buses will come in just after eight...” Joaquín orders before we can leave. “You can get some of the men on them and then go out and get some girls.”

  “Got it, boss,” Javier assures, giving a small smile. “We’ll have some perfect pickings.”

  “We better...” Joaquín starts but trails off momentarily. “Or no deal. You can call this the trial... enjoy her while you have her.”

  “We’ll have a deal, don’t you worry,” Javier states cleanly before heading for the door as the other men start to choose their girl.

  We leave and I swear my heart has thrust so violently into my throat that I can barely breathe. That and I can hardly think around its heavy thudding. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Javier doesn’t feel the things I thought he does. His words cut me deep and I could tell myself that he said it to cut away any suspicion, but
my fragility has cast aspersions and now I’m fearful of what will happen behind closed doors.

  I feel like I’m being crazy believing in anything that Santiago says, but why wouldn’t I? I barely know Javier, as much as we tell stories and confide, I’ve only just met him. A quick romance in this place is laughable and here I am hopelessly caught up in. It was a whirlwind really, a tornado ripping through with devastating consequences – inevitably picking up my heart along the way.

  With every step I take from the main room to Javier’s bedroom, I feel my feet become heavy, leaden with nerves and weighed with woes. I have handed myself to him in a moment of sheer adrenaline fuelled confidence, but now the moment is getting closer, my heart starts to flutter manically, questioning why I would allow this to happen.

  What if I refused him again? What if he refused me?

  I had done it once, allowed my fear to drive me out of his arms. What if I did it again? Fuck. What was I playing at? I wanted Javier to myself, the idea of another touching him, kissing him, pleasing him drove me wild, but what if I couldn’t give him everything he wanted and needed? What if I find I can never give myself freely to him now? I knew he would never take it from me like the other men had. He wasn’t some callous monster. Javier would understand, but in his understanding would come my guilt and shame.

  At that moment, my brokenness would’ve been highlighted and put on show for the world to see and for me to realize.

  I swear my breathing escalates the moment he closes the door behind us and the room I once felt so safe in feels like it’s about to implode. I keep my back to Javier, looking out of the window, while I internally tell myself to calm down.

  I feel a hand come to touch my shoulder, but I jolt away, jumping out of my skin. I turn to face him, my eyes wide with shock and I feel immediate embarrassment creep over me.

  “Whoa, Isla!” he gasps, taking a quick step backward as I stare at him.

  “Sorry,” I whisper.

  “Don’t apologize. What is it?” he asks, stepping toward me. “What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”

  Pushing a strand of hair behind my ear, I gaze at him, telling myself to be braver than I feel.

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” I tell him, shaking my head violently at him. “I can’t.”

  “Isla...”

  “I’m just a used whore, a used puta,” I say, allowing my insecurities to come to light, highlighting what sort of effect this place has had on me. “I wanted to be more than that to you, but I can’t be. I’m damaged goods.” The tears come down and I hate each one that betrays me by falling. “This was all a mistake.”

  It’s as that frightful sentence leaves my lips, I turn to leave.

  “No!” Javier says, unwilling to leave me be. “I knew you’d take their words and mine to heart, but I never thought it’d be this bad.”

  “Why would you?” I ask, my voice raising up without much effort as my emotions take over. “You don’t know what it’s like to be me or any of those other girls down there! You don’t know what it’s like to have everything ripped away from you and yet they keep on taking every little piece you have left... but you... I thought you were different.”

  “I am!” he argues, hysteria hitting his voice. “I have a game plan... the one I had for Gabi is now one I’m back playing, but you’re my end game, Isla. You’re my fucking end game. If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be here.” His tosses his hands up, tearing at his hair the moment they touch his head. “You made it a lot easier putting yourself up for this, to be here with me, but Santiago will do anything to get his claws into you. For me to have you that means belittling you and making you seem like no other man wants you, but I want you, cariño, and I’ll have you in whatever capacity I can just so I can have you by my side.”

  I don’t interrupt him, I know he wouldn’t mind, but he’s in the middle of taking every insecurity I have and making them lose their power over me. He’s what I need – someone who will fight for me mind, body, and soul

  “That means that I have to sound like a bad guy and act like one too, but really, I’m waiting for the day to break free. So can you please believe in the man I am here and have been, rather than the man I made a spectacle of downstairs?” His hand gently brushes over my cheek. “You’ve never been this doubtful of me... why now?”

  “Because you, he, and everyone else is right,” I say, a sob involuntarily unraveling from me. “I’m used.”

  “Depends on who’s loving you,” he whispers, lowering his head toward mine. “Isla, you could never be used, or damaged, or a whore to me. You’re just a woman who’s lived and survived the worst things in life. Only a weak man would see you as a weak woman.” His hand brushes back over face, catching the wayward tears with it. “Please,” he begs with sincerity. “Let me show you I mean everything I’ve ever said to you. Please, let me be a man of my word even if you’ve only known me a short while. I ask for nothing but a little bit of trust.”

  It’s all he ever wants from me – trust.

  “Okay.”

  My response comes caught in an exhale, beautifully driven from the deeper desires of my soul. It comes from the darkest abyss in me where I yearn for touch and for love, trust, and hope. As much as the talons of my insecurities dig into my skin and attempt to claw me back into their hellish reality, Javier ignites in me what I’ve been searching for since I was taken. He’s the beacon in life I forgot I needed.

  “I trust you,” I continue breathlessly.

  It’s enough for him to kiss me.

  First his lips meet mine in this beautiful, drunken embrace, but he moves ever so slowly. Gradually his lips travel, from my lips to my cheek, along my jaw, down my neck until he’s kissing my shoulder and moving the strap of my dress. It’s now, as if I’m almost naked that my heart starts to race erratically. I find it harder to breathe, but I continue to tell myself that Javier is not the other men. He’s not here to hurt me.

  "Isla, baby, breathe," he soothes, stopping for a moment to console me.

  “I’m trying,” I make a feeble excuse to calm.

  He pulls away so he can meet my shy gaze.

  "Life is for the living. Don't think about anything else. Just live in the moment. No one else matters... but you and me. No one else, Isla."

  He watches me intently, waiting for me to decline, but I stand silent and reticent. My hesitation and quiet behavior causes his face to soften more and he slowly reaches up to cup my face.

  “Let me,” he breathes with intense, heartfelt octaves. “Please, Isla... my words are futile. Let me show you what I feel. Let me help you feel everything you should and forget everything you’ve come to know.” His words are spoken in soft murmurs, his eyes caress mine with a gentle gaze and I remind myself this is what I wanted only hours ago. “Calm, cariño,” he utters, cooing me as my breathing starts to calm down. “We won’t do anything you don’t want to do. If sleeping with me makes you uncomfortable we’ll stop. We won’t do this.”

  “But I do want this,” I breathe, my exhale intense and heated. “I just need to go slow.”

  “Then we’ll go slow,” he tells me, pandering to my every need with patience and gentleness. “I’m not here to pressure you, Isla. I just want you to feel love and be loved. That’s all I’m greedy for.”

  My heart swells and I know his words aren’t idle. The way Javier has cared for me and looked out for me since arriving here has been unquestionable and he has been purposefully the voice of us girls’ need. I trust him, but I need to trust myself first.

  “I want you,” I whisper, a slight piece of power makes its way into my voice, projecting my conviction.

  “Good,” he whispers, his hand coming to graze my cheek, tilting my head up to face him, his lips lingering just above mine. “I want you to be mine, Isla. I want you to feel everything you should when a man makes love to you.” He inches closer, our breaths a beautiful medley. “I want to erase everything they’ve ever done to you.�
� He kisses me, enduring a long, breathtaking kiss before withdrawing. “Let me love you back to you.”

  I say nothing, but push him toward the bed. Before I can push him onto the mattress, he spins us both, his hands coming to my ass, careful of my wound, and he picks me up. With gentle ease, he lowers me onto the bed, my legs still wrapped around him while he continues to kiss me.

  “You need less clothing,” I tell him, panting from his kissing.

  He gives me a wicked grin and a wink, before begrudgingly pulling away. While he unbuckles the belt around his jeans, I slip off my panties from under the skirt of my dress. When I look up, he’s taken his top of as well, standing before me as ready as I am. He begins to crawl on top of me and resumes kissing me. I allow his hand to roam, feeling his finger-tips brushing across my skin, burning their sweet trail along my electrified body, but he slows, freezing with fingers pushed between my folds, my body already responding to the lust and want.

  “Need a condom,” Javier breathes, his lips still kissing mine.

  “Top drawer,” I tell him, hoping this doesn’t kill the moment. “Joaquín makes sure all the rooms have them.”

  The look he throws my way tells me it hasn’t and he picks me up, forcing my body up the mattress and without uncovering me, he reaches into the drawer beside his bed, recovering a sealed condom packet. My heart starts to thud again, but this time, as anticipation rushes through me, it’s not instigating my fight or flight response. Instead, it’s because my body wants to feel Javier. I want to let him breathe life into me. I want to share this intimate moment with a man I’ve come to trust, even if at times I doubt it.

  The ripping of the foil brings me back to this moment and I train my eyes onto his as he tears the foil with his teeth. He pulls the condom out, discarding of its packet before he reaches between us to cover his length.