Heroine Hearts Page 10

  His hand stops and my eyes flutter open.

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because a strength like yours shouldn’t exist here.”

  “I’m not strong,” I repay his compliment with disbelief, refuting it. I shake my head pulling away from his touch. “Believe me, I’m a lot of things, but strong isn’t something I am. I’m broken.”

  “I know you’re broken,” he counters, reaching for my hands. “I noticed every shard of you the day I met you, Isla, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. Trust me, when some people break, they fall apart. You handle yourself with care, but you do the one thing most don’t ever do... you survive to see another day.”

  I watch him, noticing a glisten in his eyes and I wonder if he’s speaking from the heart. There’s a faintness of regret to his tone, but it’s not enough to take note of and he quickly covers it. I don’t even get a chance acknowledge it.

  “It makes you all the more beautiful,” he continues, the pad of his thumb rubs against my cheek. “I wish you saw what I do when I look at you.”

  Something shifts between us, like we’re suspended at this moment, the calm and ease something breathtaking. However, I break the reverie, uncomfortable with this form of intimacy. It’s not something I have felt for many years, it’s not even something I remember well. So, I clear my throat and sit up straighter, Javier quickly follows suit.

  “You need to get some rest,” I tell him, remembering he drove for a while. “You must be tired.”

  “You’ve had a busier day than me,” he admonishes, not yet moving away from me. “You need sleep.”

  “I don’t sleep until I know I’ve passed everything,” I say, looking away from him, unable to meet his gaze at the sheer embarrassment of what we have to go through on these jobs. “I also won’t sleep until I know the girls are good.”

  Javier’s lips pull tight and slowly begin to curve into a small smile. He looks at me with such incredulity, I cock a brow and study him hard.

  “What?” I ask, my voice a little high.

  “Nothing,” he opposes, offering a small head shake. “I just really wish you could see yourself through someone else’s eyes,” he seems to lean in closer, regaining the proximity between us. With that my heart begins to race, my breathing becomes staccato bursts and his gaze intensifies. “I really never anticipated you, cariño.”

  Besotted, we become lost in the understated nirvana settling over us, the beginnings of which were waiting to swallow us both whole. I don’t even pay attention as his hand comes up to cup my face, drawing me closer and tilting my head slightly. As his lips graze against mine, I cave into his hold and allow myself to fall victim to this moment of unadulterated lust. As Javier brings his hand up to the back of my neck, deepening the gentle kiss, my entire body comes to life, but with it, my panic becomes fervent. It takes all the endorphins I’m feeling and reminds me of what will happen if I enjoy this a bit too much.

  Regretfully I place both hands flat against his chest and push him away, killing the kiss before it had even had a chance to blossom.

  “We shouldn’t have done that.”

  With my piece said, barely able to give eye contact, I scramble off the bed, taking the bottle of fluid from the bed with me, I flee the room and head down the hallway trying to beg my heart to calm down.

  I hate myself for falling for a man who will show himself to be like all other men in this life – the enemy.

  His words may be sweet, but this world is far from that.

  I’ve spent the entire night tossing and turning, cursing myself for moving too quickly with Isla. The way she ran out of the door told me I had pushed her too far. We were finally talking, finally being more than her believing I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but I ruined it all for a moment of lust.

  I took the one thing that offered solace for a single piece of relief.

  I could kick myself.

  I pull my jeans up while mentally preparing myself for what I’ll say to Isla when I see her. As I begin to buckle my belt, I realize that I have no clue what I’ll do. She said that kiss shouldn’t have happened, but it felt like the first wise move I’ve made in such a long time.

  I realize she’s not going to fall at my feet and allow me in quite that easy. I’ve only just cracked the edge of what she’s all about, but I’m not prepared to stop where I am at this point. There’s so much of her still to learn, so much of her yet to experience, so much I wish to bring back to life and I have no idea how long I have to listen and learn before that happens.

  But I will, even if it’s for one chaste moment with her.

  This is a life not promised.

  And love certainly doesn’t blossom here.

  No wonder she ran from this room away from me.

  I decide the only way I can draw her back in without the threat of placing her in an uncomfortable situation is to get that initial meeting after last night, over with. That, and apologize, for pushing her too far. So I force myself toward the door with gusto, my chest pumped and my demeanor unwilling to back down.

  As I open the door, I’m met with bright blue, sparkling eyes, rose red lips and Isla’s shocked expression as she stands with her fist up ready to knock.

  “Hi,” she whispers, lowering her curled hand. “We have to get going,” she says, while her tone is clipped, she does look me straight in the eye.

  That’s a good thing right?

  “Everyone good to go?”

  So much for getting to say that apology as it appears we’re going to be heading out from here.

  She nods, wringing her hands. “Hector’s got all the drugs to the guy and he’s just waiting for the money. We’re good to go in about thirty minutes once it’s been counted and double checked.”

  “Okay,” I say, stepping back, allowing her into the room. “I packed your stuff up.”

  “Thanks,” she says coming into the room and going over to her bag.

  I close the door, shutting off all outside attention and turn to face her. I feel if I don’t question her now, I never will. She’s standing by her bag, watching me carefully, but she’s yet to say anything.

  “Why did you run?” I ask without any more hesitation.

  For a moment she resembles a deer caught in the headlights – eyes wide, mouth agape as she wasn’t quite expecting me to be so brash.

  I know why she ran, or I can at least speculate, but I can’t let this go. I need her to tell me why she really left, I have to know what I did wrong so I can make it right and never allow a repeat to happen.

  She sighs, her eyes dropping as her hands begin to grab at one another, twisting as one. She’s nervous, I can tell she is, but I can’t stop now. I just need to know the truth.

  “I didn’t want to kiss you because it means I let you in and things in this life don’t last forever,” slowly, as her words settle among the silence, her head begins to lift. “I didn’t want to let you in to lose you like I do everything else,” the look she fixes me with is so strong, so weighty that I feel it sit heavily upon my shoulders. “But I’m scared it’s too late.”

  “Isla,” I say, closing the distance. My body reacts to having her close to mine once more, like a need for water or air. “I’m not here to ruin you like the rest of them are.”

  “I know, but...” she says, but pauses for a moment so she can look away. “You’re my downfall and I can’t think of anything better than letting you be it. What you make me feel... it scares me, terrifies the life out of me. I just worry I can’t let you love me.”

  I cup her face, our bodies braced against one another now she’s pulled close to me. We’re chest to chest, hearts beating in rapid unity, our breathing releasing in beautiful staccato bursts. This moment is far more intimate than any other form of physicality. She might be telling herself she’s scared, but the way she feels braced against my body tells me her heart says she’s right where she wants to be.

  “Javier...” she breathes heavily.


  My name leaves her lips like a litany and I can’t hold back anymore.

  She doesn’t know that in some ways I’m just as broken, just as alone and swamped in this life as she is. She’ll never know that loving her will love me back to life. This chance, this moment of allowing our unadulterated, unexpected spark ignite will offer me more than a momentary gratification.

  I’m not here to sink inside of her only to leave her once I’m done.

  I have no idea of a future for us – fuck, there may never be one – but there is the here and now and nothing will stop me living n this beautiful fucking moment with Isla.

  “Trust me,” I reply, my words carried on my exhalation. “Trust me to treat you right. Isla, I just want you to trust me. Please, Isla,” I beg breathlessly, prepared to drop to my knees. “Please.”

  I’m an honest man, but sometimes honest men have to wear the devil’s cloak and in doing so I’ve made my fight for her a harder one. She sees me like all the other men around her, but I’m far from them.

  I play dirty, but I love purely.

  For her, I’d love fiercely.

  “I do,” she speaks, breathlessly.

  “Then let me in. Show me you trust me.”

  This time, she reacts, her lips meeting mine with a glorious union and I draw her close, using my hand on her jaw to pull her upwards, deepening this kiss. With eyes closed, I move her toward the bed, her body willing to follow my lead. Her hands come up to frame my face as we fall onto the mattress and we only part as she pushes herself upon it, the want and lust in her eyes causes me to anticipate furthering this moment.

  I shadow her body, keeping her laid beneath me upon the mattress. I shield her as the air around us intensifies with need and greed and my hand pushes up her jaw line, into her hair before I start to allow myself to escalate the intimacy. I start to kiss down her neck, making my way toward her breasts, my hands trailing their way down her delicate frame.

  “So beautiful,” I say, moving the strap of her dress so I can kiss the soft skin of her shoulder. I push away clothing following it with the burn of my lips, finally feeling like this is where we’re meant to be.

  Isla’s hands fall away from me, but I don’t stop, not until her hands come up to press on my chest, pushing me away. It’s then I stop kissing and panic rises like bile in my throat, burning all the way up.

  “I-I can’t,” she whispers, frozen beneath the weight of my body.

  The lust disappears as quickly as it came, I stop to look at her, sitting up a little. I know that look in her eyes. I’ve seen it before, that look of total horror as memories sweep into action, catapulting her to a darker time in her life. All at once, I’m off her, leaving her on the bed, allowing her to realize I’m not like the other men she’s had to deal with. I give her the room to breathe. If anything, I’m terrified that I’ve pushed her too far too soon, again. I let my dick talk, and I allowed myself to get wrapped up at the moment just because I thought she was ready.

  I’m still a stranger, I’m still the enemy and I’m not a man she’ll willingly sleep with.

  After all, no one sleeps with the enemy.

  So, I stand in front of her, a few feet away from the edge of the bed and I watch her sit up, shaking hands coming up to tear into her hair.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispers, her words barely audible in the quiet room. “I-I...” she begins to stutter, shutting her eyes as her head sinking further into her hands.

  I don’t say anything, but watch her as she unravels before my eyes. I’m new to this, but in such a short amount of time I have seen so many sides to Isla. I’m not given the illusion of a warrior. I’m given every beautiful shard of her shattered soul and I’m the one she trusts to free fall with.

  I watch her struggle with her breathing. Her eyes go wide, her hands fall only to start clutching at her chest as if it will somehow miraculously help her retain a normal inhalation.

  “Isla,” I start, rushing to her. I climb onto the bed, placing myself before her but not yet touching her. “Isla, breathe,” I try to calm her, cooing softly at her. “Isla, look at me, you need to calm down.”

  She shows she has faith in me unlike others as she starts to calm, her breaths only taking minor heaves to help her as her lungs struggle to capture its rhythm.

  “What got you so worked up?” I ask, settling before her, leaving enough space so still we don’t touch. I watch a doleful expression filter into her gaze and my heart cramps. “You can tell me...”

  She gulps deeply, taking a moment as if to remind herself she isn’t sitting with the enemy here, but a man that wants to be here, listening to her, helping her through this. I don’t push her but allow her the chance to take her time. It seems to pay off as she meets my eyes, parts her lips and slowly begins to talk to me.

  “I didn’t realize until now that I am totally and utterly broken,” she admits, a sorrowful tone to her words. “It took until you to see that,” she closes her eyes as if the weight of her admission is suddenly too much to bear. “They’ve ruined me, Javier.”

  I should’ve seen such an admittance coming, but the confession came with such raw intent that I all but heard the cracks part in her heart. I’m not just a bystander to this moment of cathartic relief, but I’m also a catalyst. I have a hand in breaking this woman just a little more, but with such a delicacy that her mind can’t accept that, for once, a monster isn’t trying to take a little more of her for themselves.

  “I thought I was still the girl I was, still able to love and let people in, but the moment you were on top of me, kissing me, I just felt them... all of them.” Slowly, she begins to curl into a ball, her legs drawn up to her chest, her arms snaking around them to pull tightly into herself. “I felt like I was back there with them and not here at all. I c-can’t... I couldn’t let you do anything because I would’ve resented you for it.” Through the valley of her bent knees, she looks at me. “The moment I said I couldn’t, you were off me. You listened. I know you’re not like them, but a piece of me can’t stop telling me that you are.”

  “I would never push you to do anything you didn’t want to do,” I state, trying not to be too forthright, but inside, I want her to see that I’m so totally different from the men she’s had to live with. “I hate how you reacted, and I hate myself more for causing it.”

  “But you stopped,” she argues in a small, soft tone.

  “But I started it,” I admonish and I gulp as I regret what I’m about to say now. “I still want to. I won’t, but I can’t stop what it is you make me feel.”

  My body thrums, alive with this need to kiss every shard of her brokenness. Yet I remain where I'm sitting, looking onwards, hiding my thoughts as I keep my distance.

  The sudden craving that I've surrendered too is a dangerous game to enroll in, but I can't help myself. Isla captivates me. For reasons I can’t understand, I’m drawn to her and I can't shake her face from behind my closed lids every time I go to sleep.

  Maybe it is her beauty, but maybe it’s the utter innocence she throws into this world of sin and debauchery.

  She’s a face that just doesn't belong here.

  “But I can wait, Isla,” I tell her, a small smile begins to tug at the corners of my lips. “I will wait because you deserve to realize that there is life and love past this place.”

  Although she doesn’t speak, a hope renews in her eyes.

  I lean in, placing my hand on hers to uncurl her from her vulnerable poise, stopping her retreating to a darker abyss in her mind and show her that for now, we’re friends. The feelings we both clearly let loose can wait for now.

  “Just don’t give up on me showing that, okay?”

  “Okay,” she whispers back, sitting up properly.

  “Good...” I start, taking her hand to get her off the bed. “Now, let’s get out of here. Hector must have the money by now.”

  I approach the girls’ dorm, knowing everyone but Isla is downstairs.

  When we got back
, she feigned a migraine and Joaquín kissed her with praise and sent her to bed. As the girls’ protector, I was asked to come and get her as dinner was soon to be served.

  This job was getting better every day in my eyes.

  I knock on the door, prepared to wake her and drag her downstairs if I have to. She needs to revel in the success of the trip. Joaquín’s mood is on such a high, I feel like Isla needs to experience it and remember who she has become in this place. She saw those girls through the drug run, she looked after them and cared for them and made sure that we returned the same numbers we originally left with.

  When I get no response, I enter the room finding it so still and silence. I search the beds, unsure of which is hers, but she’s not in any. Instead, I find her sitting on the windowsill in front of one of the large windows that overlooks the back of the compound and toward the valley beyond.

  “Isla?” I call out with a gentle tone and she’s quick to twist her head to look at me. “You’re wanted downstairs at the meal.”

  “I’m not hungry,” she comments, looking back out of the window.

  “You need to eat,” I tell her, hoping it’ll make her move.

  “And I will,” she notes, giving me a smile. “For now, I just want to enjoy the silence.”

  I close the door behind us and head over to her. I take a seat on the opposite side of the window, allowing her some space.

  “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

  “Just thinking...” she says, but allows her voice to trail off into nothingness. “We can’t be anything,” she announces, I hear a twinge of pain in her note as if she hates herself for saying that. “I’m still the same foolish girl I was when I came here on Spring Break. I’m still willing to follow my heart at the first sight of a good guy. I can’t afford to be blindsided. That’s what I am with you,” her eyes cast up, large and doleful. “I become a dreamer around you and that’s a dangerous thing to be here.”